That time is here again. The grass in Chicago is still yellowish gray, like Rob Held's hair, but somewhere in the southern states the grass is green and the bats be a crackin'. Indeed it is time for me to begin spring my way with DIETER'S BASEBALL PREVIEW!!! I'll start off by giving my prediciton by division.
AL East
New York
Boston
Tampa Bay
Baltimore
Toronto
-This might just be the strongest division in baseball this year, look for the Devil Rays' talent, which is without a doubt the best in the league, to emerge. Toronto would be a good team, but will be ransacked by a lack of a rotation in this the best offensive division in baseball. Watch out for the Orioles offense to take fire; Melvin Mora was #2 in the league last year in hitting, and is a fantasy steal. The O's will make noise with or without a comeback year from Sosa.
AL West
Los Angeles
Oakland
Seattle
Texas
-Expect a landslide victory by the LA Angels of Anaheim. It will be a 500 division with the teams going back and forth in and out of first, then the Angels will pull away in the second half. The other 3 slots are all toss ups, none of them will get the wild card though...Expect a downyear from Beltre, he gave 150 percent for the Dodgers in his contract year,and carried them to the playoffs. Chances are he will go back to his normal slacker self.
AL Central (NO BIAS)
Chicago
Cleveland
Detroit
Minnesota
Kansas City
-Minnesota is getting old, expect the Indians to attack them with their youth and talent. Detroit will likely fly under the radar, and then make a late season surge in the always close division. This division will be Cleveland's for the taking, but inexperience and a AA bullpen will let the division title slip away.
NL East
Atlanta
Flordia
Washington
Philadelphia
New York
-Can you bet against the Braves? I can't. Watch out for Flordia with a strong comeback year after being plagued by injuries last year. They are definitly a wild card contender. Washington is vastly underrated. They are the suprise team. Expect an above 500 year, and a resurgance of baseball in the nation's capital. The Phils will be mediocre at best, expect some deals. Watch out for new NY manager Willie Randolph to be fired midway through the season.
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Fransisco Giants
Arizona Diamondbacks
Colorado Rockies
-Another landslide victory. Expect a 15-20 game lead. This division is plain ol' weak. The other teams will share their misery with one another, all keeping similar records. Watch out for the Dodgers, after a long slump, they may call up some of the best prospects in the league from Las Vegas, expect them to make a late season run for the Wild Card.
NL Central
Saint Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
Milwakee Brewers
Cincinnati Reds
-The Cards have the greast player ever (give it 5 years) Pujols. They upgraded their weakness of last year, starters. Why wouldn't they reach the World Series again? The Astros get Andy Pennate, they will have one last go. Expect big things out of the pirates. They kept their team intact, and if it wern't for injuries, they would have made the same run they will make this year. The Cubs will fuck it up somehow, even Cubs fans know that. Ben Sheets, singlehandedly will win 25 games for the Brewers, but they will blow 10 of those wins. Nonetheless, they will still be better than the soon to be Griffeyless Reds. Pitching, it's kinda important...
Playoff Predictions
NL
Cardinals Over Marlins
Braves Over Padres
AL
White Sox Over Yankees
Red Sox Over Angels
Braves Over Cardinals
Red Sox Over White Sox
Braves over Red Sox
MVP-Pujols-Cardinals
Manager- Split-Frank Robinson/Lou Pinnela
Rookie-Tat Tagugchi-White Sox
CY Young AL-Mark Buerhle-White Sox
CY Young NL-Jake Peavey-Padres
Home Run King-Adam Dunn- 55
RBI-Tejada-170
BAVG-Ichiro-396 (Flirts with 4o0 most of the year)
That's all I wrote
3.05.2005
3.04.2005
Letter to an iPod Thief.
Maciej Kasperowicz
Dear Person who stole my iPod,
If I find out who you are, I will proceed to make your life worse than that of a quadruple amputee with a chronic case of chicken pox. Oh, I could cut off all of your limbs, but I’d like to think I wield a more subtle form of vengeance.
For example, when I find out who you are, oh iPod thief, I plan to steal every pair of pants that you own and fill the pockets with peanut butter so that every time you reach for a wallet, phone, or iPod (my iPod, that is), your hands, however delicious, will be temporarily sticky. To make matters worse, your pockets will be filled with the obviously inferior creamy peanut butter. You can clean them all you want, but I have connections in the peanut butter industry, so you best believe I can refill. If you think the loss of the storage capabilities of your pants is bad, that’s barely the start.
Next, I will take a picture of you, post it on hotornot.com, and vote repeatedly so as to make it seem that the people of the internet believe you to be absolutely ugly. Moving on, one day when you’re sleeping, because even dirty iPod thieves have to sleep, I will bring in a plastic surgeon to suck the fat out of one of your ass cheeks and inject it into the other so that your ass will be awkward and asymmetrical. Not only will this not be aesthetically pleasing, but your jeans (still filled with peanut butter, mind you) will be horribly ill-fitting and, at least for a fairly long period of adjustment, sitting down on flat surfaces will be terribly uncomfortable.
Next, I will raid your fridge, steal all of your Coca Cola Classic, drain the delicious beverage, and refill the bottles with a generic cola drink. At first, you won’t notice the difference, you heathen, and you’ll think you’re drinking an authentic Coca Cola product. I, on the other hand, will know that you are indeed drinking an inferior product, and I will sit in the shade, drinking Coke and laughing. Eventually, you might notice that your pop isn’t as good, and you’ll foolishly blame it on the decrease in quality of the Coca Cola product, while everyone laughs at you.
I hope you fly somewhere for Spring Break. If you do, I’ll take the cute little green teddy bear, which, in my estimation, is exactly the type of thing that a thief like you would have in your carry on baggage, and I’ll stuff it with two daggers, and not just regular daggers, but confusing, nonsensical daggers, in the shape of Corey Feldman or former Washington Bullets forward Bernard King perhaps, so that airport security will find them and be angered and confused at the strange nature of your attempted terrorism. “Why not Corey Haim or Dominique Wilkins?” they’ll ask, and why do these daggers have to be 80s celebrity themed anyways? Why couldn’t you just hijack a plane with normal knives? You’ll be sitting there, on the verge of a cavity search I’m sure, and you’ll be ever so confused by the goings on. And then, when you think things can’t get any weirder or more confusing, the airport PA system will start playing “Fuck the Pain Away” by Peaches, you know, the one that goes “Suckin on my titties like you wantin’ me, callin’ me” and I will dance and sing along, while your situation gets more uncomfortable.
When you get home, your room will smell like pickles. I could go for a more offensive smell sure, but that would be entirely too easy. I want the kind of smell where if you walk into the room, it won’t make you want to leave right away, but eventually it will eat away at you, to the point where you won’t be able to really enjoy pickles, and you’ll have to try to open the window (which I will have chained shut) every few minutes. If I can locate a hippopotamus, I would very much like to stealthily leave one of those in your room as well. Hippos are fun animals, you see, but they take up a lot of space, they don’t smell particularly well, and are used to being in water a lot. So you’ll probably have to fill your room with water, if you don’t want your conscience and PETA bothering you. Oh, and I’ll train this hippopotamus to eat nothing but pickles, to compound your problems in that area. If you ever manage to get rid of Billy the hippo, I’ll have a new pet lined up right away.
I have managed, through some tricky legal maneuvering, to acquire legal custody of former Home Improvement star Tim Allen. I’ll unassumingly ask you to take care of him for the weekend, and you, not wanting to seem like a suspicious iPod thief, will oblige. Then, I’ll disappear for three weeks or so, forcing you to take care of the aging, boring, barely working “comedian”. You’ll have to provide him with courtesy laughs and alcohol, and not be offended when he drunkenly calls you “Al, Heidi, or Jill”. God forbid there are reruns of Home Improvement or The Santa Clause on, and I can only imagine what horrible physical puns he makes on the term “Tool Time” when he’s wasted. I’ll come back at the end of three weeks, and I’ll be very apologetic, but I’ll have ready a story about my plane crashing in the Alps and having to eat my best friend’s elbow that’ll make you feel to sorry for me to complain. Then I’ll graciously take back Tim Allen and put him in an orphanage. Maybe that is sufficient psychological damage, but I think your thievery should be punished just a bit more.
After I get done spreading those flyers I made with a Photoshopped pornographic image of your mom that I made on my three week sabbatical, I will rig those peanut butter filled, ill fitting pants of yours with a device that sets them on fire every time you even slightly bend the truth. Like for example, if someone asks you, “Are you a generic cola drinking, obscure 80s reference dagger having, pickle smelling, iPod thief?” Of course, there is a simple solution to all of this. You could just give me my motherfucking iPod back. I won’t even be mad that you erased all of my Pixies bootlegs. I just want to be able to listen to ABBA or Jay-z on the walk to class. I’m sure you understand, or else, why would you have stolen the damn thing. Anyways, the choice is yours, a quick return or a life of misery.
XOXO,
Maciej.
Maciej Kasperowicz
Dear Person who stole my iPod,
If I find out who you are, I will proceed to make your life worse than that of a quadruple amputee with a chronic case of chicken pox. Oh, I could cut off all of your limbs, but I’d like to think I wield a more subtle form of vengeance.
For example, when I find out who you are, oh iPod thief, I plan to steal every pair of pants that you own and fill the pockets with peanut butter so that every time you reach for a wallet, phone, or iPod (my iPod, that is), your hands, however delicious, will be temporarily sticky. To make matters worse, your pockets will be filled with the obviously inferior creamy peanut butter. You can clean them all you want, but I have connections in the peanut butter industry, so you best believe I can refill. If you think the loss of the storage capabilities of your pants is bad, that’s barely the start.
Next, I will take a picture of you, post it on hotornot.com, and vote repeatedly so as to make it seem that the people of the internet believe you to be absolutely ugly. Moving on, one day when you’re sleeping, because even dirty iPod thieves have to sleep, I will bring in a plastic surgeon to suck the fat out of one of your ass cheeks and inject it into the other so that your ass will be awkward and asymmetrical. Not only will this not be aesthetically pleasing, but your jeans (still filled with peanut butter, mind you) will be horribly ill-fitting and, at least for a fairly long period of adjustment, sitting down on flat surfaces will be terribly uncomfortable.
Next, I will raid your fridge, steal all of your Coca Cola Classic, drain the delicious beverage, and refill the bottles with a generic cola drink. At first, you won’t notice the difference, you heathen, and you’ll think you’re drinking an authentic Coca Cola product. I, on the other hand, will know that you are indeed drinking an inferior product, and I will sit in the shade, drinking Coke and laughing. Eventually, you might notice that your pop isn’t as good, and you’ll foolishly blame it on the decrease in quality of the Coca Cola product, while everyone laughs at you.
I hope you fly somewhere for Spring Break. If you do, I’ll take the cute little green teddy bear, which, in my estimation, is exactly the type of thing that a thief like you would have in your carry on baggage, and I’ll stuff it with two daggers, and not just regular daggers, but confusing, nonsensical daggers, in the shape of Corey Feldman or former Washington Bullets forward Bernard King perhaps, so that airport security will find them and be angered and confused at the strange nature of your attempted terrorism. “Why not Corey Haim or Dominique Wilkins?” they’ll ask, and why do these daggers have to be 80s celebrity themed anyways? Why couldn’t you just hijack a plane with normal knives? You’ll be sitting there, on the verge of a cavity search I’m sure, and you’ll be ever so confused by the goings on. And then, when you think things can’t get any weirder or more confusing, the airport PA system will start playing “Fuck the Pain Away” by Peaches, you know, the one that goes “Suckin on my titties like you wantin’ me, callin’ me” and I will dance and sing along, while your situation gets more uncomfortable.
When you get home, your room will smell like pickles. I could go for a more offensive smell sure, but that would be entirely too easy. I want the kind of smell where if you walk into the room, it won’t make you want to leave right away, but eventually it will eat away at you, to the point where you won’t be able to really enjoy pickles, and you’ll have to try to open the window (which I will have chained shut) every few minutes. If I can locate a hippopotamus, I would very much like to stealthily leave one of those in your room as well. Hippos are fun animals, you see, but they take up a lot of space, they don’t smell particularly well, and are used to being in water a lot. So you’ll probably have to fill your room with water, if you don’t want your conscience and PETA bothering you. Oh, and I’ll train this hippopotamus to eat nothing but pickles, to compound your problems in that area. If you ever manage to get rid of Billy the hippo, I’ll have a new pet lined up right away.
I have managed, through some tricky legal maneuvering, to acquire legal custody of former Home Improvement star Tim Allen. I’ll unassumingly ask you to take care of him for the weekend, and you, not wanting to seem like a suspicious iPod thief, will oblige. Then, I’ll disappear for three weeks or so, forcing you to take care of the aging, boring, barely working “comedian”. You’ll have to provide him with courtesy laughs and alcohol, and not be offended when he drunkenly calls you “Al, Heidi, or Jill”. God forbid there are reruns of Home Improvement or The Santa Clause on, and I can only imagine what horrible physical puns he makes on the term “Tool Time” when he’s wasted. I’ll come back at the end of three weeks, and I’ll be very apologetic, but I’ll have ready a story about my plane crashing in the Alps and having to eat my best friend’s elbow that’ll make you feel to sorry for me to complain. Then I’ll graciously take back Tim Allen and put him in an orphanage. Maybe that is sufficient psychological damage, but I think your thievery should be punished just a bit more.
After I get done spreading those flyers I made with a Photoshopped pornographic image of your mom that I made on my three week sabbatical, I will rig those peanut butter filled, ill fitting pants of yours with a device that sets them on fire every time you even slightly bend the truth. Like for example, if someone asks you, “Are you a generic cola drinking, obscure 80s reference dagger having, pickle smelling, iPod thief?” Of course, there is a simple solution to all of this. You could just give me my motherfucking iPod back. I won’t even be mad that you erased all of my Pixies bootlegs. I just want to be able to listen to ABBA or Jay-z on the walk to class. I’m sure you understand, or else, why would you have stolen the damn thing. Anyways, the choice is yours, a quick return or a life of misery.
XOXO,
Maciej.
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