9.05.2007


Human cloning needs to happen now. There is only one reason why, and it is the most definitive and ultimate answer in the modern argument. Ed Hoculi. I used it the other day to explain why I forgot to walk the dog.

“What the hell were you doing?”
“Ed Hoculi?”
“Well, I guess I will do it and never bring it up again.”

And indeed it will be, because as long as Ed Hoculi is alive, I fear nothing. Nothing that is, but Ed Hoculi.

Ed, a 55 year old former UTEP linebacker, currently a successful Phoenix lawyer and father of six, is all that is man, and by proxy, the most dangerous man alive. He can kill with a glance, break bones with a punch, and is not afraid to dish out 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties so harsh, it actually scares players straight. Indeed if Ed Hoculi was the ref of every NFL game, world hunger would be eliminated in a matter of hours.

You may ask, why is this? Well, when Ed Hoculi is awoken after 5 straight hours of rigorous lovemaking to his lovely wife by his massive pythons’ hunger calls, Ed feeds them the finest of all the worlds foods, an entire bull, stuffed with corn-dogs, which he carefully placed inside them earlier in the week by punching the breaded frankfurter through their skin and into their body. This process is so revolutionary it is called Hoculizing and it happens so fast that the impact of the punch will not hit them until the cows drop dead later in the week. You may be surprised that Ed can do this, but it is not uncommon for Ed Hoculi to defy the laws of modern science. This is what is known as the Hoculi Effect and it is how numerous NFL players have died, only to be covered up by the police as pedestrian and tragic. They are indeed tragic, but not pedestrian by any means...They are Hoculian. Ed also can take sorrow out of the widows and mourning girlfriends of these players by placing his hands over their bellybutton. There he sucks out the sorrow by a method he developed hanging out in a Albuquerque YMCA. It is 100 percent effective and the only FDA approved cure for cancer. Ed Hoculi heals on every second Tuesday of the month, and sometimes before and after games if he is in a good mood.

But I digress, and you shouldn’t do that frequently, because Ed hates doddlers...After Ed has fed his biceptial overlords, he goes to his basement and frees innocent people over the phone, even though it is not his area of law, while constantly lifting weights. When he is finished with the dumbbells he eats them and later on takes a dump so massive that it can make the desert sediment the most fertile in the world, but no one would ever suspect that Ed Hoculi takes huge shits, because Ed Hoculi’s fecal remnants smell like autumn.

Sometimes when Ed gets angry he hands out holding penalties to the entire world. This is what is known as having a bad day. It happens to all of us, and the only way to avoid them is to be Ed Hoculi.

Ed Hoculi is all that is man. He was this before he was born, and was already building his legacy higher by the time that chump Chuck Norris got a bunch of ivy leaguers to kiss his ass so he could be famous again.

Ed Hoculi lets you kiss his pythons, in return for you getting to live. You are of more use to Ed Hoculi when you are alive. Only Ed Hoculi knows why.

Ed Hoculi wears the number 85 because that is the approximate circumference of each of his guns. No one knows for sure because every tape measurer that has been wrapped around his arms has exploded due to the tension caused by wrapping his arms.

It is also coincidental that Ed Hoculi wears 85 on the back of his uniform, because that is the exact amount of people he has killed by accidentally touching them. Sometimes for no apparent reason, Ed Hoculi emits lasers from the palms of his hands. Then again, with Ed Hoculi, everything happens for a reason. So we should all fear the lasers. And henceforth Ed Hoculi. He is fear itself, and that is an automatic FIRST DOWN.

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